Avoiding “You Don’t Get it” From Your Teen
Influence their behavior with less conflict
If you’d like, you can listen to me narrate this post below👇️.
In today’s episode 210 of Speaking of Teens, I reference the phenomena of neural alignment. Studies have shown, for example, that when people play a musical duet, hum a tune together, or even listen to each other tell stories, the electrical impulses in their brains synchronize.
This type of deep connection with someone is possible when we communicate—if we pay attention to the type of conversation the other person wants to have.
We often miss the opportunity to make this connection with our teens—and instead, create arguments and power struggles—because we see most conversations as a teachable moment.
We go into each conversation with an agenda.
Keep Your Teen’s Brain in Mind
Conversations with our teens go off track not only because we misunderstand our role in them, but also because of our teen’s brain.
Your teen’s brain is undergoing some major changes right now that include many significant side effects. At least two at play here are the emphasis on their autonomy and their oversensitive emotional system. (for more on the teen brain listen to episodes 130, 131, and 132)
When you approach every conversation from a “what do I need to teach them right now” point of view, you are trampling all over their autonomy and triggering their amygdala (the emotional center of their brain), which causes their negative emotional reaction.
If you continue communicating with your teen the same way you did when they were younger, without considering these neurobiological changes, arguments and power struggles will dominate your relationship.
Their Need for Autonomy
Other than being accepted by their peers, the most important thing to your teen right now is feeling respected and in control of their life. They feel equipped to make most decisions on their own. And they’re baffled and frustrated when you step in and tell them how to think, what to feel, or what to do.
They want you to recognize and acknowledge that they’re no longer a child, that they understand more about the world, and in some cases, can make pretty good decisions.
You can support your teen’s autonomy and decrease conflict by changing your mindset and the way you approach conversations with them.
How Would You Say it to a Friend?
Let’s start with a simple rule of thumb—speak to your teen the way you’d speak to a friend or colleague.
Think about it, if you wouldn’t say something the same way to a friend or colleague, why would you say it that way to your own child?
I’m not talking about the content of the conversation but rather, the words you choose, your tone, inflection, body language, and facial expressions. In other words, treat your teen with the same respect you would treat another adult.
If you wouldn’t raise your voice with a friend, then don’t raise your voice with your teen. If you wouldn’t demand a friend do something, then don’t demand your teen do something. If you wouldn’t hover over your friend, point your finger at them, yell from another room, use sarcasm, or roll your eyes, then don’t do any of those things with your teen.
It's a really simple rule that will go a long way in building a more peaceful rapport with your kid.
Stop Talking and Listen
Another simple rule is to zip it and listen. Listening, not talking, is the key to good communication with anyone, especially with your teenager.
Remember, to support their autonomy, they need to feel respected, which means they need to feel heard. And they can’t feel heard if you’re not listening—and showing them in very concrete ways that you are listening.
Listening really well is the key to the alignment I discussed in the episode today. You can’t possibly figure out what kind of conversation your teen wants to have if you’re too busy saying what you want to say.
Again, if you go into the conversation with an agenda (your urge to correct, teach, direct, remind, lecture, etcetera), you cannot be fully listening.
As I mentioned in the episode, most of the time when your kid says something to you, all they’re looking for is validation or acknowledgment. They want to know you hear them and you understand how they feel in that moment. That’s all.
Show Them You’re Listening
So, instead of jumping in with your usual agenda, demonstrate you hear what they’re saying. You can do this with a word or two or even a sound.
For example, your son says, “That idiot, Mr. Harris, gave me Saturday detention for having my phone out in class, but I had it out for like two seconds just to turn it off!”
Instead of launching into a lecture about keeping the phone in his backpack, or not calling people names, you could say something like, “oops”, “that sucks”, “yeah, super frustrating, I’m sure”, or even, a validating grunt.
If the conversation is more complicated it may call for a little more work on your end. You may need to summarize what they’ve said to make sure you understand, ask a few open-ended questions, comfort them, ask if they need advice, or help them problem solve. (you can listen to episodes 6 and 16 for more)
Avoid “You Don’t Get it”
You know all those times your teen’s said, “You don’t get it!” or “You don’t understand!”? They’re usually right.
Far too often we miss a wonderful opportunity for alignment and connection because we’re too concerned about our own agenda. It’s our default mode as parents to correct, teach, and instruct.
When our children become adolescents and begin to think of themselves more as adults, we have to switch default modes. We have to take a breath, step back a bit, and become more of a guide.
Influence a Different Way
This doesn’t mean that we completely stop instructing, teaching, and correcting—it just means we approach it much differently.
Supporting your teen’s autonomy through respectful conversations will allow you the opportunity to be much more influential in their life than trying to force your agenda.
Your teen will learn to trust that you’ll truly listen to them instead of always “parenting” them.
That trust will allow them to feel comfortable sharing more with you and to invite your opinions and advice. This invitation into your child’s life is your golden ticket to influence—not through constant correction and instruction but through a deep emotional connection.
The Speaking of Teens podcast is available on all podcast listening apps like Apple, Spotify, etc.
Until next week…
All my best,
Ann
Cartel Cats: “Guns Are Cool, Guns Are Fun (But Real Badasses Do Better)”
OPENING SCENE
Animated border town, neon sunset. The Cartel Cats—Felicia (the T-Hugger), Pawloma, Sneezy Kitty, and Llama Kitty—are gathered in a dusty alley. A shiny, oversized cartoon revolver sits on a crate. Cans are lined up on a fence. The “Guns Are Cool, Guns Are Fun” jingle plays in the background, upbeat but with a sly wink.
FELICIA (stepping forward, glasses glinting):
Guns are cool, guns are fun—
If you use them right, no harm is done.
Target practice, poppin’ cans,
Sharpening your focus, steadying your hands.
But here’s the truth, my little kittens:
Anybody can pick up a weapon and end their problems fast—
But that’s just the start, not the end of the past.
You might think you’re a badass,
But real strength isn’t pulling a trigger,
It’s facing your problems, getting bigger and bigger.
PAWLOMA (tossing a can in the air):
You think you’re tough, you want to impress?
Show your parents you’re stronger, cause a little stress?
That’s the first thing they’ll notice—
But what comes next is a lifetime of mess.
SNEEZY KITTY (sniffing, dramatic):
You solve their problems with a gun,
But yours have only just begun.
No matter what happens after they’re gone—
If they walk on, or float to some dawn—
Their problems are over, but you’re left with the weight,
Of choices you made, and the anger you create.
FELICIA (soft but firm):
Guns are fun if you use them correct—
Target practice, taking out aggression on cans,
Even hunting, if you do it with respect.
But don’t go killing animals that barely have any left—
Use your brain, use your heart, don’t be a theft.
LLAMA KITTY (striking a pose):
If you want to be a real badass,
Here’s the secret, here’s the plan:
It’s not about power over someone else—
It’s about controlling yourself, being more than you were.
GROUP CHORUS (dancing with cans and targets):
Guns are cool, guns are fun,
But real badasses don’t need one.
You want respect? You want to win?
Show your strength by holding it in.
FELICIA (closing, direct to camera):
Anybody can pull a trigger—
That’s easy, that’s fast.
But the bravest cats face their problems,
And make their courage last.
So if you want to show you’re stronger than your parents,
Don’t just grab a gun—
Show them you can talk it out, walk it out,
And when you’re really mad,
Go shoot some cans, not your future.
ENDING RAP
Guns are tools, not toys for rage,
Real badasses write their own page.
Respect is earned, not taken by force—
Choose your battles, and stay the course.
[ROLL CREDITS with PSA]
Text on screen:
“Cartel Cats remind you: Respect yourself, respect others, and if you ever feel angry or lost, talk to someone you trust. Being a real badass means making choices you can live with.”
Find more real talk and laughs from:
Tiffany Jenkins – Juggling the Jenkins
Meredith Massoni